Dear Beryl

It warms my heart to know that you have been medicating mother properly. Might I suggest you up the dosage? Any coroner's reports could easily be altered with a little money, and God knows she could hurry up and die already.

Ah, the incident at the church! I never tire of these childhood memories- one is only seven once, you know. I must remind you, however, that not all church-goers are puritans or hypocrites. There are, of course, puritans and hypocrites in abundance, but among them there is often a true believer, and he is a stumbling block, an inconvenience to whatever plans we set in motion. I do, however, acknowledge that there is no point in me griping. It is to our advantage that the masses forget their religion and their heritage. It is popularly assumed that a religious people is a people easily manipulated. This is true, of course, but only because ALL people, religious or non-religous, are easily manipulated. The religious are easily manipulated- but only by other religious people. What our fathers have created, and we continue to create, is an atmosphere in which the old standards are abandoned in favor of newer, shallower ones. A man with no deeper goals than satisfying himself here and now can be more easily addicted to all sorts of cravings (sexual, commercial, chemical and psychological), thus granting us a deeper hold on his life. The preacher can not give his followers a taste of heaven, but we can give man everything we promise, everything we offer, everything for which we have created a hankering for within him, as long as he can pay the full price. It is not of our interest to determine whether their religion is true or not; we have already discovered that it is in our way, and must be removed. I only weep for the lack of true art and culture in the future. A man inspired by God can create more satisfying art than a man inspired by, say, pussy. Unless, of course, what one finds satisfaction in is porn.

I think you overstate the case when it comes to the Fox News network, brother. Though Rupert is, in a way much like our own, a wonderful, crafty man, all he has managed to do is assure conservatives that they are right- something that did not really have to be done. No liberal has ever been convinced by their coverage, and no conservative would ever need to have his ideas confirmed, because no force on earth could make him change them. I know we take different approaches to reach the same goals, Beryl, but to trust too deeply on a single news network is dangerous. Your side has the presidency and most of blue collar america. What you need is not a news network, but a sitcom, a rodeo, a programming that will appeal to the masses, and keep them voting. They will not care about the news, as long as the president is adorably ignorant. Meanwhile, my side will keep the left in paranoia, firmly believing that Bush will lead the nation into ruin, never acknowledging that what will eventually bring this giant to its knees is inner divisions and strife. Every great empire collapses from within, and every great empire will eventually fall. There are no exceptions. All we must do is pick at its foundations, tear the people apart, divide and polarize them, and they will destroy themselves. This is not, however, to say that Rupert has done nothing. Send him my best regards.

I thought Celine Dion had died already. I guess we must take care of that as well.

Your admiring brother,

Cecil Mundane